SEX BLOG | EROTIC READING | THE ELEVATOR

The Male Guide to Sex Toys - Written by The Elevator’s resident male writer - M.

I doubt that anyone would argue with me when I say that the female orgasm is a myth perpetuated by sex toy companies to sell vibrators.

(Female Editor: That is incorrect on so many levels. Please research and re-write, women are very sensual beings, I’m seriously re-considering your writing contract…….)

Ok, ok, ok let me try again. Now being an ignorant and somewhat chauvinistic, middle class white male I must admit my knowledge of females is fairly scant, being limited to knowing they enjoy playing tennis, horse riding, rock climbing and being excited by feminine products. (My entire knowledge on women has been gleaned from tampon commercials.)

As a socially conscious individual however, I’m perpetually striving for sexually equality and the destruction of the glass ceiling (ladies…), so I find myself disgusted that there as yet remains one domain that is almost completely dominated by the fairer sex. I am of course, referring to the often confusing and potentially treacherous world of adult toys. I mean how often do you hear of girls having sex toy parties, and yet when I try to spice things up a little by broaching the subject of whipping and I get told, “I’m a pervert” and “shouldn’t be doing that in the produce isle of the supermarket.” I mean talk about double standards.

So in order to help you navigate the quagmire that is responsible sex toy ownership and use, I created this informative handy “Bloke” blog:

(Female Editor: Debatable, but let me keep reading……)

Vibrating Penis Rings

As far as male sex toys go, vibrating penis rings (or cock rings) are found somewhere towards the tamer end of the spectrum. That doesn’t mean it’s something you should necessarily open with, ‘hey girl I like your dress, it would go great with my wireless vibrating cock ring…’, but it’s definitely something that could be introduced into the bedroom that won’t require a non-disclosure agreement or an intervention.

Time frame: Depends, probably not quite first date material, but shouldn’t raise too many eyebrows a month or so in.

How to Broach the Subject: Remember how much more exciting Mario Kart was with the Rumble Pack for the 64 controller? You don’t..?

(Female Editor: Acceptable on the second bedroom date and correctly positioned, it is a pleasurable device for both the male and female, therefore it can be classed as a couple’s toy)

Blindfolds

The silk blindfold? You hedonistic deviant, you. Not so much as a sex toy, as it is an essential part of a semi-functioning relationship. The only reaction you will get if you bring this out will be a slightly arched eyebrow. But be warned it’s definitely a gateway sex toy. If you think having sex when you’re completely blind is excessively kinky, you obviously don’t drink as much as I do.

Time frame: For maximum effect pair with a heady merlot and viewings of Magic Mike.

How to Broach the Subject: You know how you’re always complaining about my looks and saying your wish that I was someone else? We’ll have I got a surprise for you…

Floggers and Whips

Visions of playful whipping and safe words combined with an over estimation of your pain threshold, the whip may require some prior discussion before it’s brought out in the bedroom. For Bonus Points: Lie to work colleagues about where you get your strange bruises. “I’m not meant to talk about it. It was fight club”. Author: Yawn. Also I thought you quit?

Time Frame: Once again, it depends. Read the room, if the thought of leaving the lights on freaked her out, maybe leave the whip in the cupboard this time round Indiana Jones.

How to Broach the Subject: Baby… How do you feel about leather?

(Female Editor: Whips are generally used to increase sensitivity due to increased blood flow to the area. The soft, gentle dragging of the whip can be a very sensual experience. There are a variety of whips available depending on the nature of play in the bedroom e.g. a soft suede whip to a leather whip. In any case couples will have agree on a what type of whip and a comfortable level of contact to enhance arousal, refer to the Editors Review for more information http://www.theelevator.boutique/pages/editors-review-sex-toys)

Butt Plugs Made of Various Precious Metals

If your sex toy budget is broad enough to include a $2900.00 solid 24 carat gold EARL butt plug, then you are on a whole different level. I feel like it is safe to assume that you are a gajillionaire and probably have no problem broaching the subject of sex toys with your pleasure harem. 

Time Frame: Whenever, your majesty. How to Broach the Subject: I am a gajillionaire. Do my bidding. If you are interested in more information on this particular item, contact us on ……

Couples Vibrators

If Terminators 1 through infinity have taught us anything, it’s that a) it’s only a matter of time before the machines take control and b) they really need to stop making Terminator movies. Some recently divorced males would probably inform you that it’s already too late, the machines have already won. A sentiment reinforced after having recently been replaced by a small vibrating machine. Which is why it’s important to note that if you can’t beat them, you should probably join them.

Time Frame: As soon as possible. As soon as she realises she doesn’t need you its game over man.

How to Broach the Subject: You know orgasms? Why don’t we have one together for a change?!

(Female Editor: Couples vibrators have revolutionised sex toys. Be warned they are very effective therefore if you are in for a long session then don’t use it until the end. However if you are looking at the alarm clock and know you have limited time before the kid routine starts or your just too damn tired to put in any effort at all, then a couples vibrator hits the spot for both of you in no time at all !)

 

 

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